Losing Gracie my Kitty

12/29/2008

Dear friend and casual reader,

How do you chose a sad story to write here at Christmas, a joyous time? It is not easy! My sweet kitty of almost 14 years choses to pass away while Karen and I are away Christmas week. I guess that was her way of not letting us see her in her last days.

Our neighbors were checking on her and she was fine for several days. And she was fine when we left Saturday 12/20, fisty, playful and loving as usual. Nothing to indicate to us she might be sick or having any problems we might address early on.

After several days she ate and drank fine with Matt and Lynda replacing her water and food every other day. Then Christmas afternoon, they went to check on her and only then did they notice she had not eaten or drank any water since their last visit. This caused concern and they went looking for her.

Lynda opened the doorway into the hallway, and Gracie looked like she was sleeping at the top of the stairs. But something was obviously wrong. Gracie usually rouses at the earliest sound and makes herself invisible giving her the nickname "shadow"! But Gracie had gone! Lynda tried to rouse her but she had died.

Lynda called me in Hickory telling me the bad news. She said it looked like she curled up next to the heat vent to stay warm and passed away in her sleep. I can only hope and pray that was the peaceful way to go.

Now my house is lonely and quiet without my constant companion of the last 14 years. In cat years, she would be just over 70 but I really expected to have her a few more. But only He knows how long we all may be here and He chose to take her while we were away.

We will miss her and her little nesting places and favorites are constant reminders of someone who was an intergral part of someone's life. She was my conpanion, my therapist, my sweetie pie when she was good and my "snake" when she was bad and nipping at my hands when I tried to pet her.

There will never be another Gracie as she was as unique as she could be. She was an individual and picky as to who she let love her. She switched between Karen and Jeff, treating each of us with samples of her sweet love each day. We learned her habits and likes and dislikes and she trained us rather than the other way around.

Gracie, I know there is a kitty heaven and she is watching me right now, meowing now as I write this. She never really gave me approval, only an OK from time to time just to let me know who was in charge. She says now "Jeff, I miss you too, but it was time was us and I wanted to leave while you and Karen were in NC, sparing you this pain". She is saying "remember me and find a little kitty soon and give it your love, and I'll just look down and help from time to time". Bye for now, see you later...signed "Gracie Friar Nutter".

Cold Sore PAIN!!!

12/18/2008: pm

Dear friends and family and my casual but gentle reader,

Merry Christmas. What a subject for a post, cold sore pain! If I have had a cold sore before, I don't remember it. But I will remember this one. It began with a sore tongue, or sensitivity to whatever I was eating.

It did not really bother me at first as the pain would come and go but seemed now to be more aggressive with fruit juices or maybe a dash of pepper sauce on a helping of homemade turnip greens. Then I think I bite my tongue. Ouch! Double ouch!

I got home several days ago and my mouth was so sore I was rinsing and brushing my teeth three or four times a day to help whatever was going on. Then I looked "UNDER MY TOUGUE!" There was this elongated white pouch that so sore I could now hardly stand it.

I did the usual thing, bland foods, soup, milk and cottage cheese and yogurt to balance the PH in my mouth to help the healing. But even this did little to eleviate the pain everytime my tongue touched anything. I went to my skin specialist Monday and talked to her a little about it, and she was of little help, especially after freezing three places on my left temple, upping my pain just a little More!

Luckily I had a dental checkup Wednesday and by Tuesday night I was climbing the walls with little sleep Tuesday night. I showered and dressed early Wednesday morning and saw Dr. Isaac as early as possible. He was sympthetic, and told me he had just gotten over a symilar one. He recommended ambesol and again mild rinses like Cam-Gel which is a dental rinse I had at home.

I wanted to go back home especially after the dental appointment as they did some stuff I'll not talk about that was quite painful and that too managed to add to my current pain level about through the roof. But Karen's SUV needed service and I trucked my way out to the bank, exchanged cars with her, and drove about 22 miles to Bessemer to get her 'baby' ready for our NC trip.

I stopped at Brunos, no ambesol, then Walgreens and only their brand, and finally CVS in Bessemer and a $7.00 bottle of pain killer. Hummm,,double hummm! But that first touch is ouch, big ouch but finally a numb tougue. I was about ready to gargle with this stuff I was so desperate.

Today is home, home, but business calls. I so wished I could take the day off, but no body knows my job. It is failed reports, reports needed, new orders, orders to office and filling in my boss so I can take the next week off. Finally about 1:00pm, I shut everything down and take more pain Rx and sleep a bit. It is still hurting but seems some improved. We plan a 10 hour trip Saturday am and I have 'got to get to be 100% right away!' A must! J the K in the H

Planned Trip to North Carolina

12/15/2008: 6:30pm CST

Dear reader,

I have written some stories about my sons and some negatives in my life. So now, let me share some great and wonderful things He has bestowed on me. The Clark familiy in North Carolina are my in-laws. But for some unknown reason, the see me more as a son than a son-in-law?

I have known the Clarks for almost 20 years and our bonds grow stronger each year. We plan a trip in the next few days for 8 days in NC with all the extended Clark family. It is a 453 mile, almost 10 hour trip by car, but Karen and I do this in a breeze.

We have been given almost the entire downstairs at her mom and dads and great times together. This Christmas we bought them a new 37" Samsung HDTV and hopefully the cable company will have it up and going by the time we get there Saturday night. They are so excited about this gift, and they hustled out to pick out the one they wanted.

Good food, a Zeigler ham graciously given to me by my company and nesting in the refrigerator. Karen will bake the ham Sunday and the Clarks have provided all the trimmings to go with it. The smell of it baking soon is infiltrating all the house and mouths begin to water. How funny it is how many gather in the kitchen before this is ready, offering to test the ham to make sure it meets their standards.

I will bake it about 3 and 1/2 hours then let it sit for a time. Never try to slice a ham hot as it will be fall into pieces and the slices will look terrible. But let it set, and cool a bit, and it will slice like hot butter. I usually slice the entire ham, making several trays for dinners, lunches and sandwiches and snacks all for this next Christmas week. We buy several kinds of breads and mustards, with pickles and olives galore, so you can make you a wonderful meal anytime. Plus snack crackers of several varieties and they took make wonderful snacks and even a meal...

There a are a few vegatarians in our midst, and Karen and I are wondering how they will hold out with these great smells and of course, TaStE! I will fill you in!

We do Christmas Eve services at Northminster Presbyterian Church, Karen's home church as well as her mom and dads. It is candle light service and a love fiest where sweets and hot chocolate is served by the members to all attending making all of us a particating part of their Christian family(ies). It is a moving service when they darken the Church and one candle lights another and they pass from person to person until the Church with the glow of Christ in the world.

I will write some more stories as the progresses and it is my way of letting you, my reader, share and learn of some great and wonderful days of Christmas in Hickory, North Carolina. News at 11:00.

Jeff the Knutt in the Ham

Missing my sons at Christmas

December 10,2008: am

Dear friends and family,

This is suppose to be one of the most enjoyable and rejoiceful times of the year. It is in many ways with my brother and his family and Karen and my Clark family. But I was married to a lady who chose to leave almost 20 years ago and my sons have not been in touch with their dad in some years.

Jay is my oldest and has a family and I have not heard from him in almost a year. There are many reasons, and some I understand but many I do not. I have a wonderful grandson that the newest card and gift from him is almost 2 years old. His last card decorates the front of my refrigerator and I enjoy that card everyday. What a seemingly small thing that means so much to his grandfather.

I am having coffee this morning and it is decorated with my grandson's handprints and artwork and is my regular cup each morning. But it too is almost 2 years old. I would love to know what he wants for Christmas but my requests go unanswered. If J reads my writings, I know he feels this is the 'right' thing to do. He has his reasons and I respect his privacy but wish he would let me stay in touch if not with him but with his son.

It would be great to get stories and pictures which he shared willingly in the past. He has lost his grandmother now and I (and my ex, his mom) are the only attachments now to the Nutter and Gardner family. Maybe the contact with me and others here is painful to him. Maybe he feels I have done him wrong, not doing as he wishes in some things, but how can he let me do without contact with my grandson
at this special time of year.

I will grant one thing, my life now revolves around my brother's family and Karen's family in North Carolina. I don't know really how he feels about his dad's new life. His dad is happy now, and I have a full life rotating around others now and not my children, but that is their choice. Karen and I generally spend the Christmas holidays in North Carolina as her parents are now in their 80's and traveling to Birmingham is a little far for them.

My son Chris is another story, truly a different person living life in NYC. He moved north after finishing school and came out as a 'gay man' some 12 to 15 years ago. He is a writer, editor, and has published books and has another coming out in the spring of 2009. He is successful, has a NY life and the south and his father are fogotten pasts. Again, he feels I hurt him as a young man, and maybe I did. But somehow fathers can't or won't see the 'gay' son as they should. I expected more from him as a supposed straight son and he had to deal with this pain and conflict daily. I am truly sorry he did not confide in his father and let both of us deal with and understand his life and "he" knew it to be. But that is the past....

I love my boys. I love their family. I love my grandson. I love the fact they are independent and successful and maybe his mom and I were too successful in bringing them up to be independent. I only hope they know their father loves them without conditions and truly, truly hope they do well and most of all are happy. I would never want to cause them pain and if this separation makes them happy, then so be it.

I would answer any question they have for me, about anything! Their grandmother's home was sold recently and maybe they feel like I owe them something from that? Our mom's will left the house solely to the two sons, to take care of her, to pay her bills and the rest would be split between us two. No other's, brother's, sister's, no one else was mentioned! I have told them that but maybe they don't believe me and my brother? There was a cocktail ring mother lost that she ask to go to her grandchildren but we have no idea where she might have lost it in the last months before she died.

I have tried to make some settlement of some type with them but it was not accepted by either one? What else can I do? This may be the 'bone of contention' they have with me (and my brother) but until they tell me, I don't really know. When you don't write me or talk to me, how can I make amends. I wonder if I gave each of them $500.00 or $1,000.00 or more, would that be enough? What would be "ENOUGH"?

This is a dad's ramblings this morning about lost sons that I miss so much. I require nothing from them, only to let me know they are OK. If they would let me know what I did wrong, tell me in so many words, then maybe, only maybe, then can I even try to get this missed family back together again. A card or an occassional email or phone call would do miracles with their dad. Try! Only Try!

Love,
Dad, Jeff, a/k/a grandpa Jeff