Missing my sons at Christmas

December 10,2008: am

Dear friends and family,

This is suppose to be one of the most enjoyable and rejoiceful times of the year. It is in many ways with my brother and his family and Karen and my Clark family. But I was married to a lady who chose to leave almost 20 years ago and my sons have not been in touch with their dad in some years.

Jay is my oldest and has a family and I have not heard from him in almost a year. There are many reasons, and some I understand but many I do not. I have a wonderful grandson that the newest card and gift from him is almost 2 years old. His last card decorates the front of my refrigerator and I enjoy that card everyday. What a seemingly small thing that means so much to his grandfather.

I am having coffee this morning and it is decorated with my grandson's handprints and artwork and is my regular cup each morning. But it too is almost 2 years old. I would love to know what he wants for Christmas but my requests go unanswered. If J reads my writings, I know he feels this is the 'right' thing to do. He has his reasons and I respect his privacy but wish he would let me stay in touch if not with him but with his son.

It would be great to get stories and pictures which he shared willingly in the past. He has lost his grandmother now and I (and my ex, his mom) are the only attachments now to the Nutter and Gardner family. Maybe the contact with me and others here is painful to him. Maybe he feels I have done him wrong, not doing as he wishes in some things, but how can he let me do without contact with my grandson
at this special time of year.

I will grant one thing, my life now revolves around my brother's family and Karen's family in North Carolina. I don't know really how he feels about his dad's new life. His dad is happy now, and I have a full life rotating around others now and not my children, but that is their choice. Karen and I generally spend the Christmas holidays in North Carolina as her parents are now in their 80's and traveling to Birmingham is a little far for them.

My son Chris is another story, truly a different person living life in NYC. He moved north after finishing school and came out as a 'gay man' some 12 to 15 years ago. He is a writer, editor, and has published books and has another coming out in the spring of 2009. He is successful, has a NY life and the south and his father are fogotten pasts. Again, he feels I hurt him as a young man, and maybe I did. But somehow fathers can't or won't see the 'gay' son as they should. I expected more from him as a supposed straight son and he had to deal with this pain and conflict daily. I am truly sorry he did not confide in his father and let both of us deal with and understand his life and "he" knew it to be. But that is the past....

I love my boys. I love their family. I love my grandson. I love the fact they are independent and successful and maybe his mom and I were too successful in bringing them up to be independent. I only hope they know their father loves them without conditions and truly, truly hope they do well and most of all are happy. I would never want to cause them pain and if this separation makes them happy, then so be it.

I would answer any question they have for me, about anything! Their grandmother's home was sold recently and maybe they feel like I owe them something from that? Our mom's will left the house solely to the two sons, to take care of her, to pay her bills and the rest would be split between us two. No other's, brother's, sister's, no one else was mentioned! I have told them that but maybe they don't believe me and my brother? There was a cocktail ring mother lost that she ask to go to her grandchildren but we have no idea where she might have lost it in the last months before she died.

I have tried to make some settlement of some type with them but it was not accepted by either one? What else can I do? This may be the 'bone of contention' they have with me (and my brother) but until they tell me, I don't really know. When you don't write me or talk to me, how can I make amends. I wonder if I gave each of them $500.00 or $1,000.00 or more, would that be enough? What would be "ENOUGH"?

This is a dad's ramblings this morning about lost sons that I miss so much. I require nothing from them, only to let me know they are OK. If they would let me know what I did wrong, tell me in so many words, then maybe, only maybe, then can I even try to get this missed family back together again. A card or an occassional email or phone call would do miracles with their dad. Try! Only Try!

Love,
Dad, Jeff, a/k/a grandpa Jeff