Read at own risk: CHILI

Subject: CHILI

A friend went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening he had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to shit yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee
that if you eat the next day both of your cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. He had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through his intestinal tract, he appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by his next door neighbors as thunder and
lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when,
he bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that he
often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. He selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until he was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the Pain hit him.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.
In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before he
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There he stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. He
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of his
body, and he began to move up the aisle and out of it, “just as an elderly
woman turned into it!”

He did not know what made him do it, but he stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

He could've warned that poor woman but didn't. He simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made him feel terrible,
but then made him laugh. Big mistake!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from his nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that he
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming! Now he raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that he’d make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.

Lady luck was on his side. Just in the nick of time as he got to the john , began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because his
*** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while he was in
the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished he left the restroom, reacquired his partially filled cart
intending to carry on with his shopping when a store employee approached
him and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem.'

That of course set him off again, causing residual gases to escape him.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at him in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. He was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.

Home again without having shopped, he realized that there was nothing to
eat but leftover chili, so he consumed two more bowls. The next day he
went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that because we are
in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to
repaint the store