My Mom & family this Mothers Day

Sunday, Mother’s Day 2007

Dear friends and family,

Today is a wonderful day to honor our moms, whether they are here or gone on to be with Him, and to celebrate. It is tough on those of us who have lost our moms, Midgie and Bobbie so recently, in our minds, hearts and arms. It would be so wonderful just to hold them in my arms and have them know what is in my heart.

I want to share a personal time in my life that might be a little upsetting or not. Saturday, really Friday started something that maybe I had been denying myself for sometime. Grief! Grief in its most emotional form holds be firmly in its grip.

We have lost Jason Chrisawn, Karen's only child. We have lost Karen's mother in law, Sue Chrisawn just months before losing Jason so tragically at 33. And I lost my uncle Jack Guyton, a precious father and uncle, on an April’s Fool Day. We deal with those losses then Midgie becomes so ill and in her life, she didn’t deserve to spend 36 days in Brookwood Hospital before passing away alone. Then Bobbie had a stroke on Christmas Eve and passed away just 30 days after Midgie. These have been such great loses and so close together, we toughened ourselves to be strong and got through those times.

But fate has a way of catching up on you. I don't know how to tell you the why or how my 'adventure' began. Jack and I are working on Mom's house. The house is filled with such powerful memories that when we working inside and out of the house, the feelings can be overwhelming at times.

Jack and I started the work of taking down Mom's handicapped ramp 3 weeks ago and got maybe a third of it down. I ruptured a cyst under my arm and required immediate surgery and the subsequent down time. Maybe this was the trigger that sparked the emotional roller coaster I cannot seem to leave.

The time recouping from the surgery was depressing, dealing with pain and discomfort gave me too much time to think. I wondered if the cyst was cancerous and a few days of dread pushed me a little closer to that emotional crevasse I had thought I had already crossed.

Jack and I have some of Mom's things stored and have given away some. But decisions about the balance of Mom's things are still needed, as well as our continuing to remove the ramp and install steps and a sidewalk. Jack and I talked yesterday and agreed to meet over at Mom’s house to continue the work outside. For some reason my emotions began spilling over like a boiling kettle with a tightly sealed top. I found real soon, my mind (and body) just could not go there. Even today on Mother's Day, my emotions are right on the surface. Maybe writing this will be cathartic in feeling better today and into the future.

Saturday after hanging up talking to Jack, I tried to tell Karen about our discussion and she too found it emotionally difficult to handle. Her reaction then was to comfort me, when I am sure she needed comfort and I could not give it. As I tried to talk a little about our plans, tears could not be held back and I soon was sobbing uncontrollable, not really knowing why. But memories especially the most recent ones of caring for Mom before she died, just washed over me like a tidal wave.

I had told Jack that Karen and I had plans Saturday morning and afterwards I would call him about maybe working on the ramp. This storm of uncontrollable sobbing wrenched my body like nothing I recall in my 69 years on this earth. The pain and tears were overwhelming and I found myself unable to even talk to Karen and certainly not Jack and possibly upsetting him.

Now I look at what happen and what is happening with Jeff now is dealing with the loss of Jason, Bobbie and my wonderful mom. I told Karen I don't have a home to go back to like I did for decades. I don't have my Midgie to share my life with where she and I talked to each other about our problems and shared our joys. I don't have my Midgie to take care of as I and others did for so many years. It is the empty feeling, a void that my mind and heart has not yet dealt with.

Karen asked me this morning about putting the roses she bought to put on Mom's and Bobbie's graves. That is not what I want to do even though my rational mind tells me I maybe need to do. I am looking at the little rose buds in a tall vase as I write this and watch their reflection in the living room window. Why can't I do this? Why do I not dress and go to Cedar Hill in Bessemer and do this for our wonderful mom and aunt today? I don't have the answer. Wish I did. I am numb right now, I guess it is my mind’s way of protecting me from the emotional storm I went through Saturday morning. I still can't go there in my mind.....

Karen told me this morning that I don't have to do this today. I can do this whenever I feel more like it. She is my rock, my love, and my life companion that I don't know how I, especially right now, could do without her. I am resting today not being able to go to sleep Saturday night, after finding myself not able to turn off the flip show going on in my mind. Finally about 1:30am I did sleep some, up at 6:00 this morning. Mom occupies my mind even now as I write this today. I have decided I can share these with you if only to help you, my precious reader, friend and family and help you deal this loss in your life. Remember first and foremost that now and always that..

I love you all,

Jeff, dad, grand-pa Jeff, and cousin and uncle.