Christopher Lee Nutter
I want to share with the reader my feelings after finding that my youngest son is gay. I had written earlier in this blog a note about the number of days since I have talked to him. I think the blog title is 5,172 or something close to that.
I was googling a subject 2 weeks ago and it had something close to Chris Nutter's name. As is my habit, I am on now page 2 or 3 in my search and find a book by Christopher Lee Nutter. It is his chronicalling his life since 1994 when he came out to the world in an article in Details magazine. I have never heard of Details magazine so I would not have knows about his 'coming out' unless somebody told me.
His brother Jason when I would talk to him about Chris, all he would say is "you would not know Chris today in NYC!" I had never visited Chris nor Jason when they were in NYC so I am the innocent father living in the Bible belt in Birmingham, Alabama.
My absence from writting lately has been my inability to write or even talk about this. He says in his book that when he came out that his 'friends and family were all happy for him and embraced him and his gay life'. His family in Alabama is Gardners, Nutters, Northcutts and there are about 100 of us that know and grew up with Chris but we were not told of this. He says in his book, his mother Betty and brother Jason, so as far as I know they may have known from the beginning but not his dad.
I am on page 114 in Coming Out. He blames me for a lot of bad things that happen in his life in Birmingham as a child and young adult, and that is OK. Usually people that have identity or happiness problems, they like to blame someone else for that unhappiness. I guess I was the only one left.
I bought his book from Amazon.com and read it in one day. I am rereading the book now that Karen has read it. I will not share my opinion of his book, but I am proud that he has accomplished the feat of getting published and now hopefully on a great writing career. I don't understand the gay life but it does not change the fact that I still love him.
Chris, I am sorry you did not share this with your dad early in your life. You did not have to run away to 'come out'. Your book is filled with spiritual quotes from the Bible of God and Jesus Christ, so maybe your mom and I got you off to a good start. As you said in your book, 'this was not a path you chose, but one He gave you to live'. Keep Him in your life and accept his comfort and grace. It is yours for the asking.
If you have read this far, google "Christopher Lee Nutter" and read some excerpts from his book. His dad, Jeff Nutter, on page 114.
Jeff,
I was very moved to read your blog entry yesterday evening.
I’ve learned some things during my own journey with coming out over the past 25 years. Every person is different, and I can’t speak for your son, of course. However, maybe hearing some of my experience and some of the conclusions I’ve come to over the years might help.
Coming out to my father was one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. In hindsight, I’m not quite sure WHY it was so frightening, as my father loved me, still does, and only wanted me to be happy. I guess the part that was frightening is that my idea of what would make me happy and his idea of what would make me happy were two totally different things at that time, and it took me a long time to understand that just because my father felt something about what I should do with my life, it didn’t mean that I had to share that feeling about my life. He only had his experiences to draw on, and my experiences were different. This journey was part of growing up and becoming my own person. I think it’s a similar journey for every child. We want to have the approval of our parents, and when we think that there is something about us that our parents will reject, we get scared. Funnily enough (now), he took me wanting to be an actor harder than me being gay. ;)
Over many years as I was growing up, I had heard many horrible judgmental statements, names, jokes and stereotypes about gay people, some of them from my father, and I assumed that he would hate me if he knew. I remember the night before I actually talked to him, I had dreams that he was chasing me around my college campus with an axe.
Over the past 20+ years, I’ve been able to appreciate a great deal of the wisdom that my father has shared with me. I don’t agree with all of it ... again, my experiences sometimes showed me different truths, but surprisingly enough, a great deal of it, I find myself agreeing with, and implementing in my life, more and more as I get older. My parents always said that they’d seem smarter as I got older, and they were right.
What I have learned over the years, is that without the patient, gentle loving and sometimes difficult growth that my father has shown in learning how to deal with my homosexuality, I would never have been able to get to the maturity and self-acceptance that I currently have. He’s the one who asks me how my boyfriend is doing and when I’m going to settle down and when is he going to actually meet this man. Through his simple acceptance, especially within the past 6 years or so, I’ve been able to accept myself more, and be much more honest with the world. Of course, he also learned how to accept me through my willingness to educate him and be gentle (well, mostly) while he was learning to understand who I was. It’s a two-way street.
The media is full of hateful, horrible statements by people who would seem to want to tell me who or what I should be. They talk of fire, brimstone, and that god hates me. They discount my relationship and threaten me with physical, emotional and spiritual violence. This would be much more difficult to bear without the loving presence in my life that is my father.
I won’t say that I’m sorry your son is gay, because I think that it is a viable and rich life path that is touched by divinity, just as if he was not gay. I will say that I’m sorry that we don’t live in a world in which sharing that particular information, even with our parents, is not easier to do. Often it’s filled with pain and rejection and fear. Often, we misunderstand or gauge incorrectly how people will react, so we choose not to share that information with the people who love us the most.
You seem to have a huge, accepting and loving heart. I would suggest you plan a visit to see your son, talk to him, find out what he’s thinking and feeling, share how you are feeling and thinking, and tell him that you love him, and that you’ll do your best to support him in his life, just as you always have done.
I also have learned that it took a long time to adjust for my father, and for me. But we got through it with a stronger bond then we ever had before.
I hope this helps. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Travis
